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last thing she ever gave to me:$100
last thing i ever said to her: bye
last time i ever saw her alive: tuesday, 6th march 2007, around 8.30pm
i am reviving my blog for the one and only worthy reason. this post would be in memory of her. so would everything that i ever do. i am dedicating to post to my grandmother who passed away last night.
"It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time." -the five people you meet in Heaven.
I hate last night and early morning phonecalls. they often bring bad news. this time it did.
i was barely 5 min awake when the call came. at first, it was said that she was not breathing. like all teenagers my age, i dont believe in deaths. people did not die so easily. at least i hope that they nv did.
all i could think of at that time was -"how long?" i was trained a first aider and all i could think of was three minutes. the amount of time that a person could still survive without oxygen to the brain.
before we could even step out of the house.
she was dead.
and i am not able to stop crying. even till now. even as i type. but i have to keep typing. it keeps me sane. let me spill my thoughts. there is no where else i can spill them.
nowhere.
have you ever tried telling your family members that you love them? it's freaking hard. isnt it ironic that we find it almost impossible to tell the people we love the most that we love them?
"wo ai ni." three words that i would nv get to say to her. three words that would probably mean the world to her. and i nv said them.
i said those three words to her today. even in her death, i found it hard.
only about a week ago, my grandaunt, my grandmother's sister passed away after a long battle with liver failure. and i wonder if it was harder to us if the death was sudden or expected.
all i could think of was i never got got to say goodbye.
at least she died in her sleep. peacefully i hope.
even when i saw her lying there, i expect her to wake up. i expect to see her coming through the door. i expect to hear her voice.
i expect... her to be alive.
I HAVEN'T BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH HER.
because i didnt have the freaking time.
I DIDNT HAVE THE TIME.
ME.
even when i saw her, even when she sat beside me. even as she talked to me. i barely made an effort. i was tired from work.
in my mind, i wanted to much to spend time with her. make her happy.
BUT I DONT KNOW HOW.
so i didnt.
i expect her... to still be here when i eventually have the time.
i expect her to wait for me
WAIT FOR ME.
i dont know why she went. i hope that she can feel my love for her now. the love i was never ever able to show her. to tell her.
she didnt have any daughters though she wanted one. she didnt have any granddaughters except one. me. she doted on me. and nv gave me the chance to repay her.
i wanted to do so many things with her. for her. i even imagined what if something happened and i was never able to. and i was determined to not let them happen to me.
but it did.
AH MA WO AI NI.
last thing i ever said to her: bye.
the thing is...
i dont think she heard me.
